Zombies! Oh my!

Charlotte: Ack! It's Abbot! Where did you find her? She is the spitting image of Jane Slayre's Miss Abbot. I would know her anywhere.

Sherri: Well, you should. You created her.

Charlotte: You're the one who suggested she be a zombie.

Sherri: I thought you didn't want to give me any credit.

Charlotte: (shrugs). You might have some good ideas. From time to time. But where did you find her?

Sherri: That's not Abbot, Charlotte. It's Madonna.

Charlotte: The Madonna?

Sherri: Probably not the one you're thinking. Madonna Ciccone. 80s icon? Celebrated pop star? Michigander turned Brit?

Charlotte: Oh, one of your friends from Michigan?

Sherri: (shakes head). No, I only lived in Michigan(Canton) for a few years. And not while Ms. Madge was there, as far as I know.

Charlotte: Madge? I thought you said she was Madonna?

Sherri: (sighs) It's a nickname. You know, like Rochester tends to call Jane "Janet."

Charlotte: So you and Madge are friends, then?

Sherri: No, I've never met her. She's a celebrity. I think the paparazzi made it up. Or maybe she is Madge to friends. I have no idea.

Charlotte: It was so much easier in the old days, before Internet and Paparazzi. But, if she's famous, why hasn't anyone saved her?

Sherri: Saved her?

Charlotte: She's a zombie, isn't she? The sunken cheeks, the pallor? Where are all the slayers? Someone should save her from her mortal bounds and send her soul on to peace.

Sherri: She's not a zombie. It's just a rather unfortunate picture.

Charlotte: Hm. I'll take your word for it. Speaking of pictures, have you any more of that Bradley Cooper fellow?

Sherri: Aha! I knew you liked him.

Charlotte: Ahem. No. It's simply for a character study. I was thinking of writing some more about St. John's adventures in India.

Sherri: Really? Sounds like fun. Can I help?

There Be Vampyres

Vampires live amongst us. Or so Charlotte maintains. So how do you spot a vampire in order to successfully avoid becoming liquid lunch?

Top Ten Tips for Identifying Vampires:

1) Dark, blank eyes. Not necessarily black eyes. Some have blue, green, hazel, black, or brown. But vampire eyes have an eerie, opaque quality-- and be warned, the darker the hue, the closer to feeding time. Also, shadows under eyes and pronounced, though not always sharpened, canines.

2) Vamps have vicious tempers. They tend to feel passionately and go to extremes. Something that makes an average person angry will send a vampire spinning out of control. Expect threats and even violence. Vampires are especially prone to road rage and random attacks, both physical and verbal.

3) Language peppered with expletives. Vampires are fond of cursing. Do you know someone who uses exceptionally vulgar, bad, or offensive language on a regular basis? Probably a vampire.

4) Lack of reflection. It is true that vampires don't cast a reflection in mirrors or shiny surfaces. However, they do show up on film and can be photographed. (Note: Unless they have found a way around it, as they have to protect themselves from deadly sunlight with sunscreen/sunblock products).

5) Vampires don't work well with others. They try to group up, for safety and more success in hunting, but they often turn on each other. The self-employed, those who can't seem to hold a job, or loners in general-- possibly vampires.

6) Vampires are among the most self-centered, self-obsessed beings known to man, with an inflated sense of self-importance. You probably think this blog is about you, don't you? In that case, you might be a vampire.

7) Inability to accept blame. Vampires thrive on blaming others for their own lack of ability, mistakes, or lapses in judgment.

8) They don't have good judgment. Vampires exhibit an absence of rational thought, a seeming inability to connect cause and effect.

9) Makeup. Vampires wear a lot of makeup, particularly obvious in female vampires, to distract from their facial hollows, natural pallor, dark shadows, and hungry eyes.

10) Obsessive natures. Obsess, obsess, obsess. Not all people with OCD are vampires, but tread carefully because it's a definite warning sign. Also, a tendency toward risky and/or addictive behaviors.

Most vampires eschew employment of any kind, but for those who work--

Popular Vampire Vocations: Writer, Actor, Artist, Promoter, Lawyer, Agent, Insurance Adjuster, Bill Collector, Realtor (oddly enough), Fame-whore, Politician, Pundit, Blogger, and Reviewer. Also, those who work with animals (easy snacks always at hand) or in hospitals. Especially fond of indoor occupations, or working the night shift.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentines were a big deal in Victorian England.

The actual valentine cards-- not flowers, gifts, or chocolates-- were exchanged and cherished. They were handmade and highly sentimental affairs, elaborately trimmed in ribbon, lace, feathers, flowers, even glass or metal bits. They became so elaborate, in fact, that a commercial industry emerged around them, with some making and selling their designs.

This led to eventual commercial printing and mass-production, though the embellishments remained a key feature, with some so thick with fluff that they wouldn't fit in any sort of envelope. By the 1870s, Valentines came in presentation boxes, and some had mechanical workings like levers or dials to make figures dance, or birds flutter wings. Some unfolded like fans.

The words inside were as important as the design, often effusive and lyrical unabashed pleas for affection. Always sentimental to an extreme. With the onset of WWI, the art of the elaborate valentine died out in favor of simpler designs.

I wonder what sort of valentine cards Charlotte made, sent, or received? She's still off whittling stakes, so I will have to ask her later. :)

For more Valentine's Day fun, check out http://www.history.com/content/valentine. If you're not a fan of Valentine's Day, I recommend curling up with a good book until it's over. Perhaps To Hell with Love?

What did you get or give for Valentine's Day? Your most favorite Valentine's Day? Or do you prefer to avoid it?

True Survivors

Charlotte: There you are. On that contraption again. What are you doing now?

Sherri: Shh. Watching Survivor. I missed it last night. My daughter's orchestra had a concert.

Charlotte: Your daughter has an orchestra?

Sherri: It's not "her" orchestra. I meant the one she participates in. You're so literal. She plays violin.

Charlotte: Oh, yes. I heard her practicing. She's wonderful. Much better than that horrible noise I hear coming from your lilypod.

Sherri: (rolls eyes). iPod. iPod! Must we go over this every time?

Charlotte: But it's so loud! It's a wonder you haven't gone deaf as a toad.

Sherri: As a post. I believe the saying is "deaf as a post," Madame Literary Giant.

Charlotte: Deaf as Mrs. Reed was to Jane's cries for help when John Reed attacked her, again and again.

Sherri: Indeed. On that we can agree. I try to keep the volume down, but My Chemical Romance needs to be loud.

Charlotte: There you are with romance again.

Sherri: It's just a band name. You see? This is MCR.

Charlotte: (shudders). Ew! They look like zombies.

Sherri: I'm sure they're perfectly alive. And human.

Charlotte: You can't be too sure. Look at his pallor, the gaunt cheeks! He bleeds green goo as sure as I'm alive. (nods).

Sherri: Um, Charlotte? (shakes head). Never mind. Gerard Way is not a zombie. At least, I don't think he is. How would you know, anyway?

Charlotte: I have experience in such matters.

Sherri: You have? You've actually done first hand research?

Charlotte: No comment. (gasps). That woman there. (points to laptop screen playing video of last night's missed Survivor). She looks like a vampyre.

Sherri: (laughs). That's Jerri Manthey. Some people might agree with you. But she's in sunlight. If she were a vampyre, she wouldn't last in the sunlight, right? I think the other Survivors are safe.

Charlotte: Hm. Never underestimate the power of invention. They've probably come up with some newfangled survival mechanism. (paces, in thought.) Like a lotion to apply to the skin to block the sun's rays.

Sherri: (bites lip, dreads making revelation). Like, this perhaps? (Googles Sunscreen, shows Charlotte).

Charlotte: Heavens! They've found a way to thrive. Get your dagger. To the forest! We're going to need stakes. Lots and lots of stakes.

Sherri: (waves off Charlotte). Later. I have to finish watching Survivor. Hereos vs. Villains! Who will win, Charlotte? (looks around, sees Charlotte heading for the backyard). Never mind. I'll fill you in later.

It's All About the Romance...

(Sherri and Charlotte engage in one of many imaginary conversations.)

Charlotte: About the romance? For you, perhaps. It is really all about one woman's journey. You always get so carried away with the romance.

Sherri: I like romance. What's wrong with love? I get tingly when I think about Mr. Rochester and Jane alone in that arbor. Poor Jane took so long to catch on to his intentions.

Charlotte: You're giving away plot points!

Sherri: Um, Charlotte? I think they know.

Charlotte: They don't know about the vampyres creeping up on them and how Jane has to-- oh. Right. That didn't make it through edits in the original.

Sherri: Exactly. People will get to read that scene in entirety for the first time in April.

Charlotte: April! So many months away. Back to my point. It's not about the romance. That was only one leg of Jane's very long journey to becoming her own woman. Independent. Strong. Self-reliant...

Sherri: And very much in love with Rochester. You were independent, and you were in love. You know how it works. So tell us more about your handsome professor.

Charlotte: I don't know what you mean.

Sherri: (raises brow) You know. The married one. What really happened with him? Did you have an affair? Enquiring minds want to know.

Charlotte: No comment. (looks down, smooths skirts).

Sherri: Fine. Well, I can't help thinking about what might have happened if Jane had stayed with St. John Rivers.

Charlotte: She would never have survived the heat and hardships of India.

Sherri: Are you kidding? Jane? Jane's tough! She survived some major hardships. Starvation. The elements. Being raised with vampyres. What's a little heat next to slaying demons? Jane could live through anything.

Charlotte: I suppose I can't argue with that premise.

Sherri: Besides, St. John was hot. Wasn't he?

Charlotte: India. India is hot.

Sherri: But St. John... purrrr. I imagine he looks a lot like Bradley Cooper.

Charlotte: Who?

Sherri: Brad Cooper? Blond, blue eyes... have a look.

Charlotte: I prefer Mr. Rochester.

Sherri: Yes, I know. Rochester's not bad, either. I'm thinking Clive Owen? Gerard Butler? Joaquin Phoenix (without the crazy beard, though it helps to envision him as... oh right, never mind.)

Charlotte: (rolls eyes) Go read your gossip sites. Imagine how much you would be improving your mind if you weren't always, as you call it, "surfing the web." Oh, pardon. His eyes really are blue, aren't they?

Sherri: Bradley Cooper's? Aha, you did notice.

Charlotte: No comment.

(To be continued).

Super Sunday

Do you watch the game? Maybe just the commercials? Or try to avoid it? Curl up with a good book instead?

I'm a football fan, and I'll be cheering for the Saints. I had to pick a team to get behind since the Patriots had no chance this year, and I like that the Saints have never won (or played in) a Super Bowl game.

If you're trying to avoid the Bowl and looking for a good book, I recommend Robert Goolrick's A Reliable Wife. I just finished, and I thought it was breathtaking. Well done.